The Five Stages of Beer 

When most people say they lost a love to “some clown,” it’s a figure of speech. For Dennis, it’s a sad fact. 
The Five Stages of Beer, an all-digital feature, hits the ground running when the main character, Dennis, 
arrives home on his anniversary to find his apartment empty and his wife gone. She’s left him for a clown: 
an honest-to-goodness, red-nose-wearing, unicycle-riding clown. Still in shock, Dennis heads to his 
favorite bar where most—okay, all—of his friends hang out. 

Mick is the owner of the bar and Dennis’s best friend; Sunny‘s the cheery but skeptical bartender; and 
Buck is the proverbial barfly, who can probably be found sitting at the end of any bar in the United States. 

Usually a light beer drinker, when Dennis orders "a glass of Vodka," everyone knows something is amiss.  
Mick, who has just had a drink thrown in his face by a beautiful blonde, decides to help Dennis forget his 
clown-loving wife by introducing Dennis to his patented "chick-of-the-week" lifestyle. Unsure of Mick’s 
plan, and even his own plan for lifelong happiness, Dennis listens as Sunny explains her philosophy: the 
Five Stages of Beer: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. She’s seen a million 
breakups and knows everyone must go through those five stages before they can get their life into some 
semblance of order. Dennis doesn’t buy it.

A few weeks later, Dennis is still trying to get that first date. Mick demonstrates how to look like a fool 
and lower girls’ expectations before charming them. For Mick, this method works on Staci, the lead singer 
of that night’s bar band. Dennis gives it a try on a drop-dead gorgeous blonde firefighter, Audrey, and, 
despite his clumsy attempt, she accepts.

Both guys go on their dates: Dennis and Audrey to a fancy restaurant, Mick and Staci to a local dive. 
Dennis gets a kiss. Mick gets laid. Both couples end up back at the bar for a kind of date debriefing. They 
find out Dennis couldn’t stop talking about his wife the whole time he was with Audrey. Everyone gives 
Dennis crap about being such a bore, except for Staci, Mick’s date. She makes a bad excuse to meet Dennis 
outside so she can get him to ask her on a date like that. Dennis doesn’t get it. Meanwhile, inside the bar, 
Audrey and Mick have instant chemistry.

At the prompting of the whole bar gang, Dennis calls Staci, and they end up on a date the same night Mick 
goes out with Audrey for the first time. It seems that chemistry works for Staci and Dennis as well. This 
time, Mick gets the kiss and Dennis gets laid. Audrey is clearly toying with Mick. Has he met his match in 
her?

A few nights later, Staci and the band set up in the bar to sing a new song she wrote for Dennis. He is 
nervous, not because of the song, but because his soon-to-be ex-wife is supposed to call to finalize their 
divorce. Of course, she calls in the middle of the song and Dennis is forced to yell over the music. The 
phone call does not go well, and tempers flare. In the ensuing bout of name-calling, Dennis, trying to get 
the ultimate dig at his ex, blasts out "I’m fucking a bimbo I met at the bar," just as Staci’s song ends. 
Everybody hears, and Staci runs from the room, as Dennis heaves his wedding ring across the bar.

Dennis goes on a drinking binge, winding up passed out on the bar the next morning, which is also the 
morning of Mick and Audrey’s second date. They go kickboxing. Mick tries to put up a tough guy front, 
but Audrey kicks his ass. She’s done this a lot. Mick, a wrestler in high school, finally trips her, pins her, 
and lays a big kiss on her. Mick and Audrey wind up in bed, while Dennis explains to Sunny and Buck that 
in a drunken haze the night before, he accidentally got a date by calling a wrong number while trying to 
call Staci to apologize. It becomes clear Dennis has fully embraced the "chick-of-the-week" lifestyle.

Mick and Audrey go on their third date, but she’s a little paranoid. As they sit at a fancy restaurant, Mick is 
suddenly the perfect gentleman. Audrey’s fears peak when Mick whips out the dreaded little box—too 
small to be a book, but too big to be a cheap ring. She tries to avoid the inevitable, but Mick insists she 
open the box. Inside, much to her relief, is the world’s smallest thong teddy. Audrey tells him how much 
she loves it, completely relieved, until Mick slips and says, "I knew you’d love me." 

The next day at the bar the gang is playing a game: “Where’s the strangest place you’ve done it?" Dennis is 
there with his chick of the week. Mick is with Audrey. When Dennis’s date goes to the ladies’ room, Mick 
talks Dennis into going in and getting a “strange place” story of his own. He does. Unfortunately, Staci’s 
band is at the bar, and Staci walks in on them. She bolts from the bar, and Dennis chases after her. They 
have it out in the street. She tries to explain that she’s not so mad about catching him doing it in the 
bathroom as she is that Dennis has turned into someone he’s not. But Dennis doesn’t get it.

Returning to the bar, Dennis searches for an explanation for what’s going on in his life. Everyone tells him 
basically the same thing Staci told him. But still, he just doesn’t get it,  and the more he doesn’t get it, the 
more pissed off he becomes. Dennis ends up in a fight with Mick and, since Mick and Audrey seem to be a 
steady thing, Dennis calls Mick married. This strikes deeply at Mick. 

After everybody leaves, Mick asks Sunny if people can ever change, but, before Sunny can answer him, 
Kate, an old flame of Mick’s, interrupts them. Mick ends up going home with her, perhaps to prove to 
himself that he isn’t "married" and he still truly believes in the "chick-of-the-week" lifestyle.

The next morning, Mick feels terrible, but Kate sets him straight. She was just his “denial screw.” He’s got 
honest feelings he has to deal with. Mick finally agrees with her and decides to ask Audrey to move in with 
him. The same morning, Dennis makes one last phone call to Staci. He gets her machine and leaves a 
message trying to explain he’s “not been himself.”

That afternoon at the bar, Dennis and Mick make up, and Audrey arrives to talk to Mick. Just as he’s about 
to ask her to move in with him, Audrey announces they have to break it off. Dating was fun, but she’s not 
ready for a serious relationship. Mick is devastated, but tries not to show it. At the bar, Dennis finds his 
wedding ring in a dish of peanuts. He’s about to put it on, when Staci arrives. She’s decided to give Dennis 
another chance, but on her terms this time. He agrees, and is about to shove his ring in his pocket, when 
Staci grabs it and tosses it in Buck’s beer. Buck grumbles, pulls the ring out, and throws it out the door, 
where it rolls and lands next to a piece of old gum.

THE END