5SOB_FD_327
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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FADE IN:
1 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - EVENING 1
The sky is darkening. A TAXI pulls up and stops in front of
the apartment building. The back door opens and out steps
DENNIS, laptop in one hand, bouquet of flowers in the other.
Dennis has a goofy grin on his slightly overweight,
"everyman" face. He wears a business suit, top button open,
tie loose. Dennis looks like he's late for a meeting, but he
always looks that way.
He puts his laptop bag down on the curb, and fishes a list
out of his pocket. It reads MEETING, FLIGHT, FLOWERS, CAB,
SURPRISE ROSALYN. He checks off cab, puts the list away, and
stands waiting.
He nervously fiddles with his wedding ring. Still waiting.
DENNIS
Hey, how about giving me a hand
with the bag?
The Driver looks out and pops the trunk from inside. Dennis
sighs, walks to the back of the cab and wrestles the suitcase
out of the trunk, dropping the flowers.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Crap!
Dennis drags the suitcase to the curb, retrieves the flowers,
and pays the driver.
DRIVER
What, no tip?
DENNIS
No bag, no tip, that's the rule
buddy.
The cab tears off, but Dennis stands defiant. He was right
and he knows it.
He quietly rehearses to himself.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Happy anniversary... Honey I'm
home, happy anniversary...
2 INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - EVENING 2
Dennis walks down the hall dragging his suitcase, still
practising.
DENNIS
Happy anniversary, Rosalyn...
Dennis fumbles briefly for his keys, when he notices a
postcard tacked to the front door. It's a picture postcard of
a bunch of clowns stuffed into a little car.
He grabs the card, and the door slowly swings open.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Um, Honey?
Dennis stuffs the postcard in his pocket and fumbles to hold
the flowers out in front of him.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Happy anni... vers... ary...
The flowers hit the floor.
3 INT. DENNIS' APARTMENT - NIGHT 3
The place is empty. Not a stick of furniture, even the dust
bunnies are gone.
Dennis walks slowly through the empty living room to the
kitchen.
4 INT. DENNIS' KITCHEN - NIGHT 4
The kitchen is empty, except for a gaudily framed glamour
shot of Rosalyn and a pack of cigarettes. There is a post-it
note stuck to the frame that reads "This is for you, sorry".
Dennis, turns on the water in the sink and splashes his face.
He instinctively reaches for a towel but there is only an
empty rack.
DENNIS
Crap!
Dennis grabs the pack of cigarettes and heads for the door.
5 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT 5
Dennis walks out the front door, drying his face with his
jacket. He crosses the street aimlessly on his way to the
bar.
6 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 6
It's busy, but not packed. The Bar is a decent enough
neighborhood bar, a couple notches north of a dive.
Dennis enters, face dull and blank. He walks up to an empty
seat at the far end of the bar, next to BUCK.
Buck, a little troll of a man, is in his late 40's, and looks
like he spends most of his life in a bar, which he does. He'd
tell you he uses this perch to observe humanity and take
careful note of it.
Dennis motions to SONNY the bartender, 30ish, with bright red
hair, and a 'one of the guys' look to her. Sonny's may not be
the biggest person in the bar, but she knows who's in charge.
She is. Sunny pulls a beer and slides it to Dennis.
SUNNY
Hey Dennis! One Coors Light.
DENNIS
No Sunny, not tonight. I feel like
something else.
Sunny looks surprised.
SUNNY
Sure. What then?
Dennis looks at the many taps behind the bar. He hadn't
anticipated the question.
Two seats down from Dennis sits MICK. Mick is younger than
Dennis, and much cooler. He's dressed stylishly, and he acts
like he owns the place, which he does.
Mick is in a deep conversation with NAOMI.
NAOMI
Just like that? After two dates?
MICK
I'm sorry, I told you up front I
wasn't looking for anything
serious.
NAOMI
You know what?
NAOMI throws her drink in Mick's face, smashes the glass on
the floor.
None of the guys are phased by this in the least. Naomi,
expecting a reaction, and getting none, storms out.
NAOMI (cont'd)
I swear Mick, you're the biggest
asshole I've ever known!
Brief pause, and Sunny looks over to dennis, both unphased.
SUNNY
So, about that drink?
DENNIS
I'm not sure. How about vodka? A
glass of vodka.
Dennis takes the postcard out of his pocket, flips it over
and begins to read, only for a second, then flips it back and
closes his eyes.
SUNNY
You OK?
DENNIS
No. I'm not. Now pour me a glass of
vodka.
Sunny grabs a shot glass.
DENNIS (cont'd)
(loud)
Not a shot. A glass!
Mick dries himself off behind the bar and steps up in front
of Sunny.
MICK
What's the problem here Den? We run
out of Coors Light?
SUNNY
Mick, he says he wants vodka.
MICK
Vodka? Since when do you drink the
hard stuff?
DENNIS
Since I want to get really drunk.
Don't all the hard drinkers drink
Vodka?.
Buck looks sideways at his glass of vodka.
BUCK
I'll have his beer.
Sunny hands the vodka bottle to Mick and slides Dennis'
discarded beer over to Buck.
Mick fills a glass with vodka. Dennis reaches for the glass,
but Mick pulls it back.
MICK
Most things in life have a price my
friend, but this... this has two.
Dennis sighs and rolls his eyes, used to these diatribes.
MICK (cont'd)
As your bartender, it's five bucks,
and your car keys...
DENNIS
I live a half a block away Mick. I
walked. I didn't even bring my car
keys.
MICK
Right. Give me your shoes then.
DENNIS
Bite me.
Mick laughs, but Dennis doesn't seem to be amused. He reaches
for the glass, but Mick pulls it away again.
MICK
OK, I'll bypass the whole "as your
bartender thing". Now, we move onto
the "As your friend thing".
DENNIS
Yes?
MICK
A trade. I'll give you the glass,
the contents, let you keep your
shoes and your money. And you...
Mick pauses. Dennis looks impatiently at him.
DENNIS
And me? What?
MICK
From you, I want words. Words for
vodka. It's a good deal, I think.
DENNIS
You want me to talk to you, in
exchange for the glass? I'd rather
just pay for the damn thing.
MICK
Not really an option.
DENNIS
Crap. You know, until now, having
your best friend own a bar has been
really cool.
MICK
Deal?
Dennis gives in, half resigned, half frustrated.
DENNIS
Fine, I'll talk. My wife is gone.
Yeah, that's right, gone. Cleared
out the apartment and gone. Left me
for some clown. On our anniversary
no less. Can I have my drink now?
MICK
That's perfect.
DENNIS
What?
MICK
The first one is never the right
one anyway.
DENNIS
Fuck you.
MICK
Look at the divorce rate! There's
millions of people on number two.
SUNNY
He's right you know. My first
husband was perfect, the second was
even better, the third, well he was
just surprised.
DENNIS
Third? Great.
MICK
I know what you need.
Mick dumps the vodka in the sink, and digs under the bar.
DENNIS
Maybe she'll come back. Maybe this
is just temporary.
BUCK
Maybe.
DENNIS
Yeah, temporary. It could be.
BUCK
Hope not.
DENNIS
What?
BUCK
Sorry Dennis, you know the rule.
Dead relationships are like
vampires. Best to stake it in the
heart or it'll suck the life out of
you.
DENNIS
I know your rule, but she's my
wife.
BUCK
Was your wife. Stake through the
heart, man.
Dennis raises his voice
DENNIS
IS my wife! Dammit!
Mick produces a ceramic bottle of aged whisky and two
tumblers. Mick unstops the booze, and pours two modest
drinks.
MICK
Look Den... It's like this.
Mick takes his glass, and contemplates it.
MICK (cont'd)
In this glass, is whisky. Not just
any whisky mind you, but 75 year
old whisky. It's rarer than rare,
and I love it dearly.
He takes a drink, and motions for Dennis to do the same.
Dennis takes a sip.
MICK (cont'd)
Good isn't it.
DENNIS
Wow, it's... Ah... smooth?
MICK
I've been nursing this bottle for
five years Den. And I can remember
every glass, every sip. But, one
day.. One day soon, it'll be gone.
Mick knocks back his glass, swishing it once, twice, and then
swallowing.
MICK (cont'd)
And when that happens... When it's
gone...
Mick makes the universal hand gesture for "Poof!"
MICK (cont'd)
Do you know what I'll do?
DENNIS
What has this got to do with--
Mick holds up his hand cutting off Dennis.
MICK
When it's gone... I'll find
another.
Dennis looks at Mick like he's insane.
DENNIS
That's great! That's your sage
advice? My wife's gone and I'm just
supposed to go out and BUY another
one like I just ran out of Jack
fucking Daniels!
MICK
Course, that's just me.
DENNIS
I don't even know why she left.
BUCK
Maybe it was because you
intellectualize your feelings. That
your touch had become that of an
ice cutter trying to mold his
frozen subject, or that she
couldn't stand spending one more
year in the sham of a facade your
marriage had become.
They all look at Buck, unbelieving.
DENNIS
Where the hell did you get that?
BUCK
It's all here on the back of this
card.
He holds up the clown postcard.
DENNIS
Give me that!
Dennis reaches for the card but Mick snaps out of Buck's
hand.
MICK
Oh, man. I thought you were kidding
about the clown thing. Makes a good
story though, most guys claim their
wife left them for some clown. But
yours really did.
Dennis gives him a dirty look.
Sunny hands Dennis a beer. It's cloudy with little purple
bits floating in it.
SUNNY
Here. This is exactly what you need
right now. You're in Stage One.
Dennis examines the glass, as does Mick, distastefully.
DENNIS
Stage One of what?
MICK
What the hell is that Sunny? We
sell that crap beer in MY bar?
Sunny motions for Dennis to try it while responding to Mick.
SUNNY
Raspberry Heffiweissen. The girls
seem to like it.
Dennis tries a small sip, then gives an approving head nod,
and downs the whole pint.
MICK
Yeah, well girls like lots of silly
things. Men for starters. It's why
I think the only people you can
truly trust are lesbians.
BUCK
Amen. That's another thing I have
in common with lesbians.
Sunny and Mick share a sly smile, and a 'clink' of the
glasses after his 'lesbian' remark.
DENNIS
That wasn't bad. I'll take a
pitcher.
SUNNY
You mean another pint?
DENNIS
Nope. Pitcher. I plan on getting
thoroughly wiped.
SUNNY
Like I said. Perfect Stage One
beer. You let me know when you
don't like it anymore.
DENNIS
Right. Stage One. Um, Stage One of
what again?
SUNNY
The Five Stages of Beer.
Mick and Dennis both nod, then shake there heads "no".
BUCK
You mean like that 5 stages of
death thing that chick doctor
figured out?
SUNNY
Yeah, but I find they work for
everything. Acceptance--
DENNIS
Drinking.
SUNNY
Nope, drinking ain't one of em.
DENNIS
Oughtta be.
SUNNY
Bargaining... Anger, Depression --
And it all starts with that one
very important stage.
Sunny starts giving herself a drum roll on the bar top,
looking right at Dennis.
SUNNY (cont'd)
Denial! Which, is where you are
right now.
DENNIS
Denial? I'm not in denial.
SUNNY
Oh yeah? Aside from the fact that
you're in denial about being in
denial. So--
DENNIS
But I thought--
SUNNY
You want to shut up? I'm trying to
help you cope here. Stage One is
Denial. Denial is always some sort
of fruity or speciality beer. For
example, here, it'd be this
raspberry Heffiweissen chick beer.
Sunny places the pitcher of beer in front of Dennis, and he
takes a big gulp straight from the pitcher.
DENNIS
So I'm in raspberry denial. What
comes next?
Sunny pulls a pint from the Guinness tap.
SUNNY
Stage Two. Anger. Anger, is
Guinness. Straight up, warm, thick,
Dark. Guinness is the most pissed
off of all the beers.
Sunny places a glass of the sludge-like brew next to Dennis'
Heffiweissen.
MICK
No argument here.
SUNNY
Next is Bargaining. Bargaining is
all about indecision... What if I
did this, or what if I do that and
this happens... So, beer wise,
it's a local micro-brew.
Sunny pulls a glass of the bar's dark gold micro-brew. Buck
has a pad of paper out, writing furiously.
MICK
Micro-brews are first date beers
too. If a couple come in here, and
he orders the local micro-brew,
he's trying to be cool.
SUNNY
True, but that's the Five Beers of
Dating. Different social dynamic.
Sunny goes to a "light beer" tap.
SUNNY (cont'd)
Forth, is depression. When you're
depressed, you don't give a rats
ass, and as bad as you feel, you
just want to make it worse.
Depression, is light beer.
DENNIS
Hey! I Like Light Beer!
Sunny and Mick exchange a quick look, and give Dennis a
chance to get it.
SUNNY
And your point is?
DENNIS
You saying I'm always depressed?
MICK
Not always, sometimes you come damn
close to upbeat.
DENNIS
Wow, I drink a lot of light beer.
Dennis takes another sip of the raspberry beer, he looks at
it, as if looking for something inside the brew.
SUNNY
Now, lastly, and most important,
when you've come all the way round,
you reach Acceptance. When you're
at peace, and while shit may not
make sense, you're OK with that.
You want a good, solid, comforting
beer. Not a strong personality, but
something dependable... Something
you know is never going to be
great, but is never bad. Far as I
know, only one beer fits that
description...
They all lean in to hear the universal field theory of beer.
Sunny puts a bottle up on the bar.
SUNNY (cont'd)
Budweiser.
ALL
(together, disbelief)
Budweiser???
Sunny holds up her hand to the onslaught of disagreement.
SUNNY
No argument, No fights. You won't
know 'til you been there.
She cracks the bottle of Bud open and drinks. Mick and Buck
both laugh, but Dennis is looking serious, he takes another
long pull from his pitcher.
DENNIS
I don't believe she's gone. We had
a plan.
BUCK
Of course, the Grand Life Plan.
SUNNY
What the hell is the Grand Life
Plan?
BUCK
My man Dennis has a formula for
happiness.
DENNIS
It's not a formula it's just a
plan.
BUCK
Right, like I said the Grand Life
Plan.
MICK
Let me see if I can remember?
He counts on his fingers.
MICK (cont'd)
Get a degree, get a wife, a condo,
a dog, a kid, a house, a lawn
mower, a second kid, send them both
to college and get a burial plot.
In that order.
BUCK
A formula for happiness.
SUNNY
Doesn't leave much room for
spontaneity or surprises.
MICK
His wife left him -- that's the
spontaneous surprise.
DENNIS
Well at least I have a plan, not
like you.
MICK
I have a plan.
DENNIS
What, "chick of the week"?
The guys all chuckle, as this is too true.
MICK
Sure laugh it up, but I ask you one
question, And consider it carefully
as you sit here in MY bar.
They all lean in.
MICK (cont'd)
Are you happy, right now this
instant?
SUNNY
Hell Mick, I'm at work.
MICK
OK, you don't count.
BUCK
Shit, I haven't been happy since...
Auh damn, I've never been happy.
Sunny puts another large beer in front of Buck.
BUCK (cont'd)
Hold it. I'm happy now.
MICK
Well I'm happy almost all of the
time. Especially when I'm in the
company of the chick of the week.
They all laugh but Dennis who is very quiet.
DENNIS
I refuse to stop believing in the
plan.
BUCK
That a boy, Dennis.
Dennis drains the last of his pitcher.
DENNIS
This is just a trial separation or
a phase she's going through, or
something. The plan is fine. More
Hef, please Sunny.
Dennis looks to Mick for a reaction, but Mick is studying the
postcard.
DENNIS (cont'd)
What are you looking at?
MICK
I'm just trying to figure out which
one of these little guys is poking
your wife.
DENNIS
Fuck, I can't take any more of
this. I'm out of here.
Dennis heads for the door.
MICK
I should have taken his shoes.
After pulling the pack of cigarettes from the apartment out
of his coat, Dennis freezes solid in his tracks.
MICK (cont'd)
What's wrong man, just now spot
that surgeon general's warning?
Dennis doesn't move.
DENNIS
These aren't my cigarettes.
MICK
Oh really, what, did you quit
again?
Dennis returns and places the pack on the bar.
DENNIS
They're not mine.
MICK
I know. You smoke those cowboy
cigs.
Dennis points at the pack like a bad dog.
DENNIS
THESE... ARE... NOT... MINE...
MICK
Relax we'll get you some of yours.
Mick digs under the bar for another pack.
DENNIS
Do you know what this means?
SUNNY
So those are--
BUCK
Clown cigarettes!
They all stare at the pack like it's going to bite. Mick pops
back up with another pack.
MICK
Here you go, cowboy cigs.
DENNIS
She's never coming back is she?
MICK
Once you go clown you never go
back.
DENNIS
How do you do it Mick? I see you
break it off with women all the
time, but I never see you drinking
purple crunchy beer, pining away
over the one that got away.
SUNNY
You've got to focus less on the
life plan and more on the wants of
your woman. Find out who she is--
BUCK
Find out if her plan matches yours.
SUNNY
A wife is not a check box on a to
do list. Love is the key.
BUCK
Love is for saps. You've got to set
up a code of conduct with
preestablished rules or love will
cloud your mind and suck you dry.
During this conversation a pretty girl walks up next to
Dennis. He looks at her and smiles; she smiles politely.
Mick makes eye contact smiles, and motions for her to lean
over the bar He whispers something in her ear and she smiles
seductively. Mick hands her a beer and their hands linger
before she walks back to her table.
DENNIS
Screw love. I want to learn to do
that. That would make me happy.
SUNNY
Nobody can teach you how to get
over a broken heart.
DENNIS
Mick gets in and out painlessly.
Why can't he teach me?
BUCK
The plan Den. Don't let one failure
put you off the plan.
MICK
I can do it. I can get you over
this whole life plan thing.
SUNNY
What are you going to do? Snap your
fingers and get him over it?
MICK
That's exactly what I'm going to
do.
He tears the down calendar.
MICK (cont'd)
Fourth of July's too far, Memorial
day's too soon.
He stabs the calendar with his finger.
MICK (cont'd)
Flag Day. We're having a party
anyway, you can celebrate.
DENNIS
Celebrate what?
MICK
Your freedom. We're going to dump
your current life, if you want to
call it that, and get you on my
patented "chick of the week"
lifestyle. And you know what?
You're going to be happy.
Dennis looks nervous.
DENNIS
But Rosalyn--
MICK
Fuck Rosalyn.
BUCK
Ah, point of information here.
Isn't it the clown that's fucking
Rosalyn?
DENNIS
Fuck you--
BUCK
Stake through the heart man.
MICK
He's right Den. She left you for a
clown.
Buck giggles at the sentence. Sunny motions for quiet. They
all consider this ugly fact, sharing a moment.
DENNIS
OK, screw it. I'm in.
Mick lifts his glass in a toast.
MICK
Here's to Flag Day.
Dennis grabs the Guinness off the bar and hoists it.
DENNIS
To Flag Day!
ALL
To Flag Day!
They all drink.
DENNIS
Fuck Rosalyn.
ALL
(together)
Fuck Rosalyn!
Dennis slams down the empty glass.
DENNIS
God, I hate clowns.
The Bar Band plays a song about "losing her" or "can't get
over that bitch". The song continues over the following
montage:
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.