7 INT. DENNIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT 7
Dennis lies on the floor wide awake, staring at the ceiling.
8 INT. DENNIS' BATHROOM - MORNING 8
He brushes his teeth with his finger and spits water out of a
beer glass from the bar.
8A INT. DENNIS' APARTMENT - DAY 8A
Dennis inflates an "air-bed," then fights it through the door
to the bedroom.
9 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY 9
Dennis lumbers to his apartment with plastic furniture
stacked all over him. His hands are so full he can't open the
door.
9A INT. DENNIS' BEDROOM - MORNING 9A
Dennis stumbles into the room, pulls some clothes out of his
suitcase and tosses them on the air-bed.
10 INT. DENNIS' KITCHEN - NIGHT 10
Dennis opens a pizza box and throws his hands in the air. He
opens a kitchen drawer, empty. Then another, empty. They're
all empty.
11 INT. DENNIS' APARTMENT - NIGHT 11
Dennis sits alone on a plastic patio chair eating a large
slice of pizza folded in half, off a paper plate on a plastic
table. The light from the neon BAR sign filters in through
the window.
DISSOLVE TO:
12 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 12
Dennis and Mick sit at the bar. Three FIREFIGHTERS, in
uniforms, joshing and kidding with each other walk in. One of
them is AUDREY, tall, extremely fit and drop dead gorgeous.
DENNIS
...So, I'm looking around for the
pizza cutter...
Mick's not really listening, he's spotted Audrey.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Which I then remember I don't have
because she took everything. I mean
for god's sake, why do some places
cut a large pizza into only four or
six pieces?
MICK
Uh-huh.
DENNIS
A standard large pizza should be at
least eight pieces, right?
MICK
Not sure. Never measured it
exactly.
DENNIS
Well I have. Eight's OK for some
people, but me, I like twelve.
Audrey walks up, and leans between them, trying to get
Sunny's attention.
AUDREY
Excuse me, sorry.
Dennis finally notices her, he stammers.
DENNIS
Um, no problem.
Mick speaks intentionally loud.
MICK
So, you have a twelve inch penis,
AND you're complaining?
Dennis is stunned, like a deer in headlights.
DENNIS
Twelve inch penis? I was talking
about.. Um...
Dennis turns beet red.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Um... I like my penis cut into
twelve pieces... AGH! MY PIZZA...
You see... Four... Six, crap.
Dennis drops his head to the counter top. Audrey smiles,
she's trying not to laugh, as Sunny walks up.
SUNNY
What can I get you?
AUDREY
Budweiser, in bottles, three.
Sunny nods, and reaches for the beers. Dennis still hasn't
raised his head from the bar.
SUNNY
What's with him?
Mick cricks his head towards Audrey. She answers, totally
straight-faced, not cracking a smile.
AUDREY
I think he's passed out. Probably
blood loss. Twelve inch penis I
hear.
Sunny laughs. Dennis bangs his head on the bar.
SUNNY
Denno? Damn. I'm impressed.
Buck sits down behind Mick, as Dennis raises his head trying
to regain some composure. Audrey pays for her drinks.
AUDREY
Later guys. You too, Stud.
She winks at Dennis and carries the beers over to the other
firefighters.
DENNIS
What, what... what just happened?
MICK
That was a very successful intro.
That's what happened.
DENNIS
What? She probably thinks I'm some
complete slimeball. Why did you do
that?
MICK
Slimeball? She smiled called you
"stud", left the door wide open for
you to go talk to her.
Dennis bangs his head back down on the bar.
DENNIS
You are insane. Truly insane.
MICK
It's been six weeks. I think it's
time you got back on the horse.
DENNIS
But she called.
MICK
To arrange divorce papers. No more
buts. It's time to start teaching
you the tricks of the trade.
DENNIS
(sarcastic)
OK smart guy, teach me.
MICK
Lesson One. Have, you ever seen me
chat up a girl?
SUNNY
This is amazing.
DENNIS
We've all seen it. You get
completely hammered, make sexist
comments and jokes--
BUCK
Don't forget the spilling of
drinks.
DENNIS
...And yet somehow, they find you
completely charming and go home
with you.
MICK
Exactly. I intentionally act like
an ass, or go out of my way to
completely embarrass myself.
SUNNY
Basically, you show them you at
your worst.
DENNIS
The real you.
MICK
Funny. But if she finds you cute
while being a drunken ass, the next
time you go out, you don't have to
try as hard.
SUNNY
And she'll be impressed.
MICK
Or, she thinks you all you need is
the love of a good woman..
SUNNY
Namely her...
MICK
To turn you, the "diamond in the
rough", into a nice two-carat
solitaire.
DENNIS
So, this isn't some character flaw
of yours. You're telling me it's
intentional.
MICK
Women live to change men for the
better.
BUCK
Fuckin' A, bubba.
DENNIS
I don't believe it.
MICK
Believe it man! I'm telling you,
she's already thinking about you
right now.
They spot Audrey sneaking a peak at them.
SUNNY
And your twelve inch penis.
Dennis' head hits the bar.
DENNIS
Crap, she'll never take me
seriously.
MICK
That's the whole point. Would it
help if I led by example?
DENNIS
Yes. (beat) What do you mean?
Mick scans the room, settling his gaze on the bandstand,
where a small band is setting up. The lead singer, STACI, is
there, late 20's, good shape, full of energy.
MICK
Sunny, who's the band?
SUNNY
In from LA, name's Funky Spunk.
MICK
The blond, you catch her name?
SUNNY
Staci, I think.
MICK
Watch closely, this is subtle.
Mick climbs up on his bar stool
MICK (cont'd)
(yelling)
HEY! STACI! STACI!!!
Staci hears her name, and looks around. She sees Mick
standing on the bar stool. Mick waves her over.
MICK (cont'd)
C'MERE!
Mick gestures more intently, and appears to lose his footing
and fall. Vanishing from sight.
Staci rushes over to the place where Mick vanished. When she
arrives, Mick's standing next to his stool. He's the picture
of a little kid caught in a prank, trying to be coy.
STACI
I don't believe this. You fell on
purpose, didn't you?
MICK
Guilty as charged. Sorry if I
startled you.
STACI
Uh-huh. That's nice. Bye now!
MICK
Wait! C'mon now... Don't be mad,
aren't you even a little flattered?
I was only trying to get your
attention after all.
Staci's still skeptical.
STACI
How'd you know my name?
MICK
Bartender told me. Thought we'd
make a cute couple.
Mick's intentionally laying it on a bit thick. Dennis leans
in to hear the whole conversation.
STACI
God... does this ever work?
MICK
Usually, but for the whole
experience, you have to go out with
me at least once. This way, I can
only make a good impression from
this rocky start.
STACI
(laughing)
All right, you can buy me a beer
after my set, but the date thing
isn't a lock.
MICK
Deal. Drinks after the set.
Staci smiles.
STACI
OK, I'll catch you here. What's
your name?
MICK
Mick.
STACI
(to Dennis)
You get all that?
Dennis tries to look innocent, but he's a terrible actor.
DENNIS
(sheepishly)
Yes.
Staci walks away. Mick, Dennis and crew all watch transfixed
until she makes it all the way back on the bandstand.
SUNNY
I don't believe it.
BUCK
She nails Dennis, busts you, and
she still wants to go out?
MICK
Of course. Now I'm not only rude
and forward, but mysterious.
DENNIS
Unbelievable.
MICK
Now give me your ring.
DENNIS
What?
MICK
Your ring, you can't swim with that
anchor on your finger.
Mick points at Audrey. Dennis pulls the ring off then stops.
DENNIS
I can't do this! I'm not you!
MICK
You're right, you're not me. But
Den, you're the fucking man. You
have absolutely nothing to lose.
(big pause)
You're Batman.
DENNIS
Yeah. I'm Batman.
SUNNY
Hell, you're Batman with a 12 inch
dick.
Dennis downs the rest of his beer in a swift gulp, and sets
the ring on the bar.
DENNIS
I'm Batman.
Dennis walks toward Audrey and her two firefighter co
workers.
Mick puts his hand out in front of Sunny.
MICK
Pay up.
Sunny digs a buck out of her tip jar.
SUNNY
You silver-tongued devil, you.
Dennis is slowly making his way through the crowd. He stops
and starts a couple of times.
All the background sounds and music fade to silence as Dennis
spots his target. Audrey looks up and makes eye contact.
She smiles and WHAM! Her smile hits Dennis like a punch in
the face. His feet go out from under him, and he hits the
floor like a bag of bricks.
13 POV - DENNIS 13
He sees the ceiling, through a sea of legs, and faces looking
down at him.
Suddenly, Audrey's face comes into view, as she kneels down
next to him. Her mouth is moving, but he can't hear her yet.
The sound begins to filter back in.
AUDREY
(softly, getting louder)
You OK? Hello? Can you hear me?
14 BACK TO SCENE 14
Dennis blinks his eyes quickly.
DENNIS
Wow. It does work.
Audrey smiles, and relaxes.
AUDREY
There you are... Whew! You took
quite a spill there... I thought
you were going to need mouth to
mouth.
DENNIS
Don't let me stop you, with the
mouth to mouth. I mean, if you
think I need it.
Audrey laughs awkwardly at this bad line.
AUDREY
I guess that means you're fine.
He sits up, and is suddenly back to self-conscious.
DENNIS
I'm a jerk.
AUDREY
I just hear that one all the time.
DENNIS
You do?
AUDREY
Yeah, I'm a firefighter, and
paramedic.
DENNIS
Oh, I'm sorry...
He's weakening, reaching for the abort switch. He looks over
at the bar. Mick gives him a "you're Batman" sign.
AUDREY
Let me see the back of your head
there. Huh, nothing. I guess you
missed the table, lucky. What'd you
trip over anyway?
She looks around the floor, as she helps him stand.
DENNIS
I didn't trip, I was, ah....
knocked over by the power of your
smile.
She dumps him back on the floor.
AUDREY
This is a pick-up? I don't believe
it.
Mick and Buck cringe at the bar.
MICK
Oh, so close.
BUCK
Crash and burn.
Dennis steels himself and jumps up.
DENNIS
Wait! I'm not picking you up. I
mean, I was walking over here to
ask you out... Then you looked up
and my knees kind of... forget it.
Audrey smiles, flattered. Dennis' confidence swells.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Um, what's your name?
AUDREY
Audrey. You?
DENNIS
I'm Dennis. Um, would you, Uh, like
to sometime...
AUDREY
I don't know it's been a while
since I sometimed. And we've just
met.
DENNIS
I mean, go out. Dinner. Lunch? Um,
pudding pack?
Audrey laughs.
AUDREY
I don't know that was quite a
performance. But, how often do you
meet a guy with a twelve inch dick?
Dennis blanches, all the color drains from his face.
DENNIS
Um, ah, uh...
AUDREY
Relax sport, It's not like I carry
a ruler.
Audrey grabs him by the shoulders and spins him around back
to the bar. Dennis deflates, he thinks he's being dismissed.
Audrey grabs a napkin and writes her number on it in lip
liner, using his back as a desk.
AUDREY (cont'd)
Give me a call. We'll figure out
something to do then.
She hands him the note over his shoulder. Dennis is seriously
happy, almost bouncing.
DENNIS
Thanks! I will!
She goes back to her friends, they applaud. She bows.
Dennis walks back to the bar, napkin in hand. He holds it up
for the guys to see, and they all high five. Money changes
hands.
SUNNY
Lip liner on a napkin? Damn good.
DENNIS
Her names's Audrey. She's a
firefighter. (beat) Where's my
ring?
Mick points at the ring pinned to the corkboard behind the
bar.
MICK
It's right up there, where it can't
hurt anybody.
He snatches the napkin out of Dennis' hand.
MICK (cont'd)
Good job. Though you do realize,
that when I fell, it was just
pretend, right?
The guys all laugh.
15 INT. PARK MANOR RESTAURANT - NIGHT 15
Dennis and Audrey are seated at a table in the very nice
restaurant. Audrey's a little under-dressed for the place. A
starched-straight waiter waits for their drink order.
AUDREY
The house Merlot please.
DENNIS
I'll have a Park Manor micro-sifted
pilsner.
16 INT. LIAR'S CLUB RESTAURANT - NIGHT 16
Mick and Staci plop into a booth and an indignant waitress
drops a basket of chips and salsa on the table.
WAITRESS
Margaritas?
STACI
A pitcher!
17 INTERCUT - PARK MANOR AND LIAR'S CLUB - SIMULTANEOUS 17
PARK MANOR - Audrey is poured her glass of wine, Dennis is
talking animatedly.
LIAR'S CLUB - The waiter sloshes a pitcher of Margueritas into
Mick and Staci's glasses.
PARK MANOR - Audrey scans her menu, Dennis' menu is closed
and he's still talking.
LIAR'S CLUB - Mick dabs a napkin into a water glass, leans
over, and rubs an ever expanding salsa spot on Staci's
blouse. As the spot grows she laughs harder.
PARK MANOR - Audrey tops off her glass with the last few
drops out of the wine bottle.
LIAR'S CLUB - Staci suggestively licks salsa off Mick's
fingers.
PARK MANOR - Audrey slyly checks her watch.
18 INT. MICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 18
BANG! Staci slams back into the wall of Mick's bedroom. His
framed sports posters shake. Staci tears open Mick's shirt,
and kisses him hard. Mick puts his hand on her breast.
She pulls his hand off, quickly unbuttons her blouse and puts
his hand back.
21 EXT. AUDREY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 21
They stand stiffly at the door.
DENNIS
This was nice.
AUDREY
Yes, nice.
She leans in for the obligatory good night kiss, Dennis pecks
her. She turns and opens her door, but when she turns back,
Dennis in the mini-van and gone. Audrey looks around, she
can't believe it.
22 INT. MICK'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 22
Mick's collection of mini-baseball bats and mini-football
helmets are bouncing wildly on his headboard as he and Staci
go at it. Staci is on top grinding her hips hard on Mick.
STACI
(moaning, slowly building)
NICE!
23 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 23
The bar's quiet. Dennis walks in WHISTLING.
DENNIS
Beer me, Sunny.
SUNNY
You're happy. Was she wonderful
DENNIS
I think it was just about as good
as one could expect.
Sunny gives Dennis a reddish beer with actual pieces of
barley floating in it.
BUCK
Alright, Den-man is back in the
saddle. Drinks are on lover boy.
DENNIS
What?
SUNNY
Guy with the best date pays. It was
good, no?
DENNIS
I got a kiss.
BUCK
I'll have what he's drinking.
24 DELETED 24
25 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 25
Mick walks in.
SUNNY
Date over already?
MICK
Nope, she'll be here in a few. I
told her I had to debrief my buddy.
Dennis finishes the last gulp, and slams the glass down.
DENNIS
Then sit down and have a drink on
me.
MICK
On you?
SUNNY
Yep, he says it went great.
BUCK
He got a kiss.
MICK
Ah, but what part of him did she
kiss?
It gets quiet as the gang wonders about the meaning of that
comment. Sunny slides Dennis a beer and takes his money.
DENNIS
No way. I must have done better. We
had a great dinner, we talked, she
said she had a nice time.
Sunny slowly pushes the money back to Dennis and motions for
Mick to pay him.
MICK
Nice? She had a nice time?
BUCK
Oh God, no.
Dennis makes a sour face at Buck.
SUNNY
Nice? I'm so sorry Den.
DENNIS
What? We went to a great
restaurant, we talked.
MICK
What about?
DENNIS
Um, stuff. You know, life, that
sort of thing.
Mick gets a stern look on his face
MICK
You didn't talk about your wife,
did you?
Dennis shifts on his barstool.
MICK (CONT'D)
Christ. Did you let her talk at
all? Or did you just yak at her
through the whole dinner?
DENNIS
We talked about our lives! What was
going on! I'm sorry, but that's
what's going on in my life right
now!
MICK
Ah, huh. What's going on in her
life then?
DENNIS
She's a firefighter... Um, and,
uh... she... she... Has a cat.
MICK
A cat?
Dennis looks down.
DENNIS
I think. Or a dog. Gimme a second.
AUDREY
Don't hurt yourself... it's a cat.
Named Smoky.
The boys spin and are stunned to see Audrey standing behind
them.
DENNIS
Ah! Audrey! Hi!
He smiles awkwardly.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Um, we we're just talking.
AUDREY
So I heard. Relax sport, girls talk
too.
DENNIS
Hey, would you tell this guy that
we had a good time?
AUDREY
We had a very nice dinner.
The guys all cringe at the work nice.
DENNIS
What? What's wrong with a nice
time?
Staci walks up, and sits next to Mick.
STACI
Hey guys!
MICK
Stace, perfect. Do me a favor here.
How was our evening?
Dennis tries to talk, but Mick puts up his hand shushing him.
STACI
We had fun! Margaritas, enchiladas,
and some great... (Blush) fun!.
When Staci says "fun" the second time, she smiles. Everyone
gets it.
MICK
(to Dennis)
See?
DENNIS
So? So you had a great time, good
for you both. But we had a great
time too! Park Manor, wine, soft
music...
STACI
Wow. Sounds nice.
The guys cringe. Dennis looks at Mick.
DENNIS
See?
AUDREY
Enough with the cock fight.
The guys both stop. Staci laughs.
AUDREY (cont'd)
He did fine, considering it was his
first in a while.
MICK
But?...
AUDREY
You spent a lot of time talking
about your wife. I know you're
going through a rough time, but--
DENNIS
Sorry.
AUDREY
The only other real faux paux was
when you ordered dessert, without
even asking me.
DENNIS
You didn't like it?
AUDREY
No, it was fabulous. However, that
was a husband-wife thing, not a
date thing.
DENNIS
Sorry again. Reflex.
Dennis looks dejected and depressed.
MICK
Hey man, you did fine, don't sweat
it. You'll do better the second
time around.
DENNIS
Thanks, but I don't think my ego
can take much more coaching
tonight.
Audrey smiles weakly, Mick pats him on the back reassuringly.
STACI
(lying badly)
Mick, I gotta go. Ah, I have to be
up really early.
MICK
OK, I'll give you a call, eh?
STACI
Sure. Dennis, would you walk me to
my car? It's kind of late.
DENNIS
Sure.
Mick arches an eyebrow, and shares a glance with Audrey.
BUCK
So Mick, beer's on you?