58 INT. DENNIS' BEDROOM - NIGHT 58
Dennis is laying in bed. Phone Girl's head is bobbing up and
down under the sheet.
DENNIS
Oh yeah, Oh Staci-- I mean Rosalyn,
crap I mean-- what is your name?
PHONE GIRL
Mmmmpffffllyyyy.
59 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 59
Mick is sitting at the bar, Sunny's pouring.
DENNIS
I comment on how I like her nipple
ring, and she asks me if I want a
picture of it.
SUNNY
That's got to be the only
accountant with a nipple ring on
the planet.
Buck enters with an inflatable clown punching bag, he tosses
it on the bar. Sunny laughs and punches it. It falls down and
pops back up.
DENNIS
Guys you've got to let the clown
thing go. I have.
BUCK
But I hate them so much.
Buck gives the bag a plaintive punch. Sunny puts an
understanding hand on his shoulder. Mick walks in.
MICK
Beating on a clown isn't going to
get you over Rosalyn any quicker.
DENNIS
Really? When Audrey was beating on
you what was she trying to get
over?
ALL
Oooooooohhhhhh.
MICK
You're obsessed.
DENNIS
You're monogamous.
MICK
Oh, just because you think you're
me. Don't think that means that I
think that I'm you.
They all pause and think about that one. Buck counts on his
fingers.
DENNIS
Is that so? What are you doing
tonight?
MICK
Nothing.
Sunny coughs.
MICK (cont'd)
You got something to say Sunshine?
SUNNY
No, I just think I heard something
different.
DENNIS
Well, Mick if you're doing nothing
I've got a date with that girl from
the movie theater.
SUNNY
Not the one that works at the candy
by the pound counter?
DENNIS
The very one. She's got a roommate
who's dying to double.
MICK
What's her name?
DENNIS
The roommate I don't know, but
she's hot.
BUCK
I'll go.
MICK
No, not the roommate, the girl from
the candy counter. What's her name?
Dennis stares of into the distance.
DENNIS
Cammy, Mandy, I can't remember. Is
it important?
MICK
Her name is Candy. She works at the
candy counter. That's why it's
funny. At least I always remembered
their names.
DENNIS
So I blanked on one name, big deal.
MICK
What was that wrong number chick's
name?
Dennis get fidgety.
DENNIS
Ahh, Mumphila?
MICK
Dude you're the worst.
DENNIS
So, is it a double date?
MICK
No, I can't. I'm going out with
Audrey.
BUCK
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't
that the third date?
All eyes snap to Mick at this revelation.
MICK
You guys are reading way too much
into this, it's not that serious.
DENNIS
So a third date with Audrey instead
of a first date with Mandy's hot
roommate.
MICK
Candy.
BUCK
I'll go.
DENNIS
Where are you taking her?
MICK
(very quietly)
Park Manor.
DENNIS
Excuse me?
MICK
Park Manor! OK?!?
DENNIS
Damn, you are me. Want to borrow my
minivan again?
MICK
Very funny.
DENNIS
No seriously, I wish I still had my
ring. I think you could use it.
MICK
That ring symbolizes your fucked up
life, don't dump that shit on me.
Long pause, nobody knows what to say.
BUCK
So, do I get to go or not?
60 INT. PARK MANOR RESTAURANT - NIGHT 60
Mick and Audrey are finishing their meal.
MICK
...So then he lays this whole
wedding ring thing on me.
AUDREY
Wedding ring?
The waiter arrives at the table holding a way-too-big bouquet
of flowers.
WAITER
For the lady.
AUDREY
Oh my that's big.
Audrey takes the arrangement from the waiter but can't see
Mick over them.
MICK
Those are just to say thank you for
putting up with me.
She yells through the flowers. They're in her face.
AUDREY
It's been no trouble really. I'm
just having PPPlllit, fun.
She hands them back to the waiter.
AUDREY (cont'd)
Would you put these in some water
for me?
WAITER
Certainly ma'am.
MICK
I hope you like them.
AUDREY
No, I really do, I just didn't
expect, well this is just our third
date.
MICK
Actually that's a lot for me.
AUDREY
Really, how many third dates have
you been on?
The waiter arrives with two plates containing flaming
chocolate death desserts.
WAITER
And now we have the special order
of a cherry chocolate cheese cake
bomb.
This takes Audrey by complete surprise.
AUDREY
That's my favorite, but I've never
seen it flaming.
MICK
That was my idea, you being a fire
fighter and all.
Mick has a goofy look on his face that sends chills through
Audrey. The waiter puts out the desserts and leaves.
AUDREY
Tell me again why the guys think
you need a ring.
MICK
First you have to open this.
Mick produces the dreaded small box. Too small for a
necklace, to big for a "cheap" ring.
Audrey takes it, her hands are shaking.
AUDREY
Mick if this is what I think it is
we have to talk.
MICK
Open it.
AUDREY
Mick, I, I don't--
MICK
Open it, then talk.
She opens it like it's going to bite her. Inside is the
smallest string thong and top ever produced by man.
MICK (cont'd)
I think that's better then a Sam's
Gym shirt.
Audrey holds up the bit of nothing, relived beyond words.
The waiter returns looks at the underwear then at Audrey.
AUDREY
Oh you wish.
Audrey and Mick laugh hysterically. The waiter walks away.
MICK
Like it?
AUDREY
Love it, you had me worried there a
second.
MICK
I knew you'd love me.
Audrey's fork stops an inch from her mouth. Was that a slip?
Mick doesn't seem to have noticed, digging into his desert.
61 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 61
The whole gang is there, including Audrey and Dennis' latest
girlfriend, a helter-skelter brunette named PAULA. Funky
Spunk is setting up on the stage but Staci is nowhere to be
seen.
SUNNY
In the gun turret of an A-1 Abrams
tank, with Corporal Kelly.
AUDREY
I'd have to say with Billy Parker
in the trunk of his car at the
drive in.
PAULA
You're kidding?
AUDREY
No, we were sneaking in and his
friends wouldn't let us out of the
trunk. Turns out he paid them to
leave us in there so he could nail
me.
PAULA
That's terrible.
AUDREY
I got him back. I stole his
letterman jacket. Still have it.
PAULA
I meant being in the trunk. Not
enough room to properly go at it.
Audrey raises an eyebrow at Paula and smiles awkwardly.
AUDREY
So Den, how about you?
DENNIS
No, skip me.
PAULA
Oh, come on.
DENNIS
No really I don't have one.
BUCK
I did it once in an open grave.
Sudden silence.
MICK
That'll just about do it for that
game.
AUDREY
I'm going to the ladies room.
PAULA
Me too.
The girls leave. Mick sets up a line of four shots and pours
them all at once. The boys hoist the glasses.
SUNNY
Gentlemen! Start your Livers!
They all down them, and Mick sloppily pours four more. The
guys hold them up.
MICK
To the ladies can.
They all down their drinks.
DENNIS
Someone want to explain why we're
drinking to the ladies room?
MICK
Let's just say that's my story, and
that there were more than two
participants. Tequila makes for
strange bedfellows.
BUCK
That's a rule. Tequila is the
universal lubricant.
62 INT. GIRLS ROOM - NIGHT 62
Paula and Audrey are looking in the mirror.
PAULA
You know Dennis. He's the kind of
guy you can fuck, and not worry
about hurting his feelings.
AUDREY
Huh, oh yea I guess.
PAULA
Now Mick, there's a catch. Owns his
own business, he's considerate, the
guy hangs on your every word.
AUDREY
What? You see Mick that way?
PAULA
Don't worry about me, sweetie.
Mick's not the kind of guy I want.
Too serious, I just want to have
some fun.
Disconcerted Audrey leaves quickly.
63 BACK AT THE BAR 63
The guys are all laughing when Audrey walks out of the
bathroom. The guys are staring, she looks behind her.
MICK
Now's your chance Den.
DENNIS
What?
MICK
Time to get yourself a fuck story.
She's in there all alone.
DENNIS
Umm, I'm not sure--
MICK
I'd do it.
SUNNY
Den, I'd like to point out--
Dennis slams down on his glass and walks past Audrey.
SUNNY (cont'd)
'Course, what the hell do I know.
BUCK
GOD, I wish I was him.
64 INT. GIRLS ROOM - NIGHT 64
Paula is finishing up at the sink. Dennis moves up awkwardly
behind her.
PAULA
Come for a strangest place story?
She smirks, Dennis is taken aback by her lack of surprise.
Paula doesn't turn around, She just reaches back and unzips
Dennis' fly. Dennis hesitantly runs his hands up under her
skirt.
DENNIS
No panties?
Paula smiles and puts his hands on her breasts.
65 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 65
Buck is staring at his watch.
SUNNY
How long you figure for the D-man?
Three minutes, four?
BUCK
This is an interesting quandary.
Does he take his time and enjoy the
moment, or diddle and dash?
MICK
My money's on that last one.
From out of nowhere Staci walks toward the bathroom.
SUNNY
Oh, shit!
The guys all turn and try to look nonchalant.
66 INT. THE GIRL'S BATHROOM - NIGHT 66
Paula, now sitting on the sink, has her legs wrapped around
Dennis and is dropping his pants. Dennis is uncomfortable.
DENNIS
Ah, I don't think I can do this.
Suddenly in walks Staci.
STACI
Oh, my Gosh! I'm sorry.
DENNIS
Staci!?
Staci realizes who it is.
STACI
Oh, my GOD!
Staci covers her eye's and runs out.
67 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 67
Staci comes running out of the bathroom. The whole gang spin
and turn away pretending not to be staring at her.
MICK
Oh shit.
Staci runs out the front door.
Dennis stumbles out of the bathroom, pulling up his pants.
SUNNY
Oh that's ugly.
Paula walks out of the bathroom in a huff, right past Dennis
and out the door.
BUCK
I am so glad I am not him.
Dennis struggles to his feet and goes out the front door.
68 EXT. THE BAR - NIGHT 68
Dennis runs out, fastening his belt. Paula's standing there
with a "well, explain yourself" look on her face.
Dennis gives her the sign for "hold on a minute" and runs
after Staci.
DENNIS
Staci, wait up!
He runs to catch up with her. She's walking to her VW.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Staci wait.
STACI
Leave me alone.
DENNIS
I'm sorry.
STACI
Yes, you are.
DENNIS
No wait it's not what you think, I
wasn't going to--
Staci stops.
STACI
Why do you think I'm mad?
DENNIS
Isn't it obvious?
STACI
Then tell me!
DENNIS
Come on! You think you caught me
screwing a woman in the bathroom!
She starts walking again
STACI
You're an idiot.
Dennis grabs her arm.
DENNIS
How many times do I have to
apologizes for the Bimbo thing?
STACI
You are such an ignorant prick. We
are so past that!
She angrily pulls from his grasp.
DENNIS
What then?
STACI
You lied to me.
DENNIS
When did I lie to you?
STACI
You pretended to be different and
you're not. You're the same.
She stops at her car.
DENNIS
I'm the same?
STACI
The same as every other guy who
lies to get a girl into bed then
becomes a monster asshole.
DENNIS
You're pissed at me? Mick fucked
you and dumped you, but you're not
pissed at him!
She climbs into the car.
STACI
Yeah, but I expected it from Mick.
He wasn't pretending to be...
Staci struggles to find words, upset and mad at the same
time, trying hard not to cry.
STACI (cont'd)
I guess from you I expected better.
My mistake.
She starts the car and roars off. Dennis turns to where Paula
is still waiting. He walks the ten feet to her.
PAULA
Fuck you.
She walks away from him, but after a few feet turns back.
PAULA (cont'd)
She's right you know.
DENNIS
Right about what!?
Paula looks at him with a look that changes from pissed to
pity. She starts to say something, but decides not to, turns
and walks away.
DENNIS (cont'd)
What?
69 INT. THE BAR - NIGHT 69
Dennis walks into the bar, still steamed.
DENNIS
You know, I'm beginning to think
that maybe monogamy is a good idea.
There's only the one insane person
to deal with.
He sits back down on his stool, and notices his beer is
missing.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Where's my beer?
Sunny nods her head at Buck. Bucks toasts Dennis with his
glass, one small drink left in it. Buck downs it, and puts it
down on the counter.
BUCK
Dibs. Sorry man, I didn't know how
long you were going to be gone.
Didn't want it to spoil.
DENNIS
Great. Jesus Christ.
Dennis tries to keep a lid on his anger but he's really
irritated.
BUCK
I assure you, I only had the best
interests of the beer at heart.
Dennis waves at Sunny.
DENNIS
Give me a drink would you?
SUNNY
Sure Den, sure.
She begins pulling a Guinness from the tap.
SUNNY (cont'd)
You know, no one gets to you like
the right one.
DENNIS
Huh?
SUNNY
I just sayin' sometimes the hardest
ones to catch are the best eatin'.
Maybe you shouldn't let this one
off the hook.
She hands Dennis the beer. Dennis shakes his head
DENNIS
No, this feels like a vodka moment.
Sunny pours Dennis a vodka.
DENNIS (cont'd)
Can someone tell me what I did
wrong. Crap, I didn't even do her.
Mick had some sort of orgy in
there, and no one's mad at him!
AUDREY
Dennis, it's not because of the sex
in the ladies room. It's not even
the bimbo comment--
DENNIS
I apologized for that! A million
fucking times!
Dennis downs his drink and points for more.
AUDREY
Listen to me, Dennis. Any one of
those things is reason enough for
her to be pissed, but--
He points at Mick.
DENNIS
But he did the same thing! He fed
her a cheap crappy meal, made a
couple stupid jokes, screwed her,
and Adios Muchacos. I take her out
to a nice place, gave her flowers,
music, a fucking phone call.
AUDREY
Oh, I see. So, you think she owes
you something? What the hell has
what Mick does, and what you do,
got anything to do with each other?
DENNIS
Whatever.
He finishes his drink and motions for another. Mick gives
Sunny the "cut off" sign.
AUDREY
Man, was I was wrong about you.
DENNIS
Yeah!
AUDREY
You're the worst kind of asshole,
one who thinks he isn't.
DENNIS
I'm the asshole? I'm the asshole?
You hear that Mick? Mission
accomplished. I'm you.
Maybe I can get a firefighter to
wrap me around her finger.
Audrey gives up in disgust.
AUDREY
I'm going go to work. I'll talk to
you later, Mick.
Mick tosses her a kiss. Audrey just leaves.
DENNIS
Finally! Damn, chicks can be a pain
in the ass. What the hell is her
problem?
MICK
Hey Den, maybe you ought to take it
down a notch.
DENNIS
It's cool. Now that she's gone you
can tell me why Staci's so pissy.
MICK
Because you're an asshole.
This hits Dennis like a gun shot.
DENNIS
I'm an asshole? (beat) Fuck, I am
an asshole.
BUCK
Don't worry D- we like assholes.
Anger wells up inside Dennis and it's aimed at Mick.
DENNIS
This is your fault. You made me
like this.
MICK
What the hell are you talking
about?
DENNIS
Be like me you said. Well here I am
like you, and now I'm an asshole,
an you're a... A fucking hypocrite.
MICK
I'm a hypocrite?
DENNIS
Yes you are. Fuck Rosalyn you said,
chick-of-the-week is the life, you
said. Now I'm on the fucking plan
and all you want to be is Mrs.
Audrey.
Dennis has thrown down the gauntlet The guys all look at
Mick. Now he's steamed too.
MICK
Leave her out of this. I was just
trying to help you, which was
obviously a bad idea.
DENNIS
You're whipped.
MICK
And you can't keep your women from
fucking clowns.
Dennis jumps to his feet and swings at Mick, but he's so
drunk he misses by a foot and falls to the floor.
Buck helps him to his feet, but Dennis pulls away.
DENNIS
Leave me alone. I've got to teach
Dr. Frankenstein here a lesson.
Buck holds him back, well, up really.
MICK
Get him out of here.
DENNIS
Oh yeah, throw the asshole out
because you're afraid to hear the
truth.
MICK
You're drunk.
DENNIS
You're married!
MICK
Fucker!
Mick jumps to his feet fists clinched. Sunny puts her hand on
Mick's shoulder.
SUNNY
Buck, take that drunk home. Now.
BUCK
Me? Why?
SUNNY
'Cause there'll be a line of drinks
for you when you get back.
BUCK
OK, bye.
Mick sits back down. He turns his back as Buck helps Dennis
stumble out of the bar. Sunny tops off Mick's drink.
SUNNY
That could've gone better.
MICK
Screw him. What, am I supposed to
be here the answer man? Like I got
this happiness shit figured out.
SUNNY
People are happiest when they are
"who they are". Unhappiness happens
when you try to deny being you.
MICK
You think so?
SUNNY
Sure. He's monogamous life plan,
you're chick of the week. A leopard
can't change it's spots.
Mick mulls that over.
MICK
Do you think people can ever
change, Sunny?
SUNNY
Nah, not really. Sometimes people
try to act different, but deep
down, nope.
MICK
Hmm.
Sunny pats Mick on the back, and goes back to tending bar.
MICK (cont'd)
But what if--
Mick is interrupted by a pair of hands over his eyes. They
belong to an attractive smiling woman, KATE.
KATE
Guess who?
Mick turns around, smiles wide, and gives her a huge hug.
MICK
Katie! Wow! How you doing? I
thought you were in New York!
KATE
I am. I mean, I still live there.
I'm just in town a couple days. I
thought I'd stop by and see if you
were here.
MICK
What about that guy you went with?
Greg?
KATE
Greg is long over, thank God. I'm
on and off with couple people,
nothing serious. You?
Mick skips a beat before answering.
MICK
Me, oh, you know me. A leopard
can't change it's spots.
Kate smiles seductively
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